Hello and salutations!

Apologies for the lateness in my update but unfortunately I have had some troubles with using the internet as upon entering internet cafe’s I am denied services as I unsettle the other customers! I have been quite busy in the recent months and am excited to explain my side of the story to you!

Friends, let me set the stage for this wonderful event through descriptive words! It was a warm and gentle evening, the cool breeze flowing gracefully upon my noisome, frail corpse like shell of a body and although I had just awoken from a particularly savage beating at the hands of local teens, I was feeling like a million pesos. I am sure you are now asking yourself, Mr. Sanchez, how on earth could you feel so great after being beaten about the head and upper torso by a gang of 9th graders? Friends, the reason is this:

For the first time since the explosion of ‘82, I could hear!

I could hear the birds chirping, the cars passing in the distance, the blood dripping steadily onto the concrete below me and my soft whimpering mews as I struggled to breathe. Oh happy day! It seems one of the youths who administered my “tune-up” had lodged a stick into my ear canal, inadvertently puncturing the scar tissue and mucus that had built up and allowing sound to once more travel into my brain, where it eagerly lapped it up!

Since this happy event I have been able to find gainful employment once more, with the prestigious job title of Telesales Operations Specialist! I sell cat coffins to the public via phone calls and am lucky enough to speak with many interesting people! While most offer only loud vociferation to my opening line of “Is your cat dying or recently deceased and perhaps in your freezer?” others are quite happy to chat and do not even seem to mind that I must interrupt the conversation every few minutes to empty my puss bag which holds my various facial leakings! And for the first time in 27 years I can hear the wonderful names people shower me with whilst I hobble down the town streets! Apparently odious scuzz-man is a fashionable name for a fellow as I hear it often in between the screams!

Life is great!

i dunno if this is real but i sure hope it is

haha wow, this is awesome. Rather than addressing the issue of obesity in this country, it’s played down and new lines are drawn to protect the ego and self-esteem of these people. I imagine clothing companies are sick of having their employees screamed at when some fucking 340 pound bitch swears she used to fit into a medium shirt what is wrong with your sizing system I order diet coke with my double whopper you assholes! Are you fucking serious? While raising the number of inches it takes to be considered a size may seem like a good idea to some (ie: self hating fatties) condoning and perpetuating this cycle of horrific health is obviously being green-lit from this action. Would it not be better to leave the size the same, so that when Joe-Bob waddles in to the local wal-mart for a new “RIP Dale” t-shirt he might think “there are more x’s on my shirt label than on a porn rating maybe I should stop eating every second that i’m awake”? This is only exacerbating the rising drain on government money for health care, because if you think the baby boomers are the only ones crushing the government on medicare and medicaid, you’re higher than I am; and I get wet more than a nympho at a cock convention. But dear friends I have a solution. A final solution, if you will.

Every major city must open up warehouses that emit delicious smells of lard, gravy and Popeye’s chicken in order to draw the fatties to them, whether by forklift, rosco or dump truck. Once in, they will be herded towards the delicious scents, which are rendering machines painted like ice cream cones. once the wretched wastes have their ample fat liberated from them, it can be used as fuel to heat our homes, perhaps even to power our automobiles. This is a double pronged attack on the economic issues; the exuberant cost of caring for these things, and our dependency on fossil fuels.

While we’re at it, let’s start rounding up the elderly in much the same fashion, except this time instead of using the scent of delicious quadruple stackers (as well as advertisments for all you can eat sugar, I just thought of that let’s use the media to drive the orcas in! I’m so smart) we can advertise mega gambling and/or bingo centers, as well as good deals on medication and denny’s (which will work for both problem people since the old and the morbidly obese both need pills to manage their diabetes and such and everyone likes Denny’s). Once in, lock the doors and turn on the gas. It’ll sort itself out. I’ve just solved the medicare problem.

You’re welcome, America.

let’s be gay together

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update tomorrow July 1617th.  Tell your friend(s)