Mi Amigos!

Once more I am back to relate to you my doings and happenings! As I may have mentioned previously (my brain doesn’t work well!) I was being purposely carted out to a location with my sleeping friends, and after some amount of time we were all happily dropped 6 feet into what seemed a spacious new place! Shortly after I was showered with warming and wonderful dirt! This went on for some time and I became quite warm, which was nice after spending mucho time in my cold sleep-cage between my humanity-saving tests but also it was very hard to breathe! Although my fingernails had been removed in order to test how people react to having their fingernails removed (I think I did well!) I began to feebly scratch and crawl through my very heavy earth-blanket, eventually coming to the surface and then lying on it for hours, my creaking, raspy breath coming in spurts while trying to remember who and where I was! My sleeping friends I believe are still resting under their dirt blanket and I am confident they will wake up soon to join me in my never-ending heaven that is life!

badgermeatspinAfter finding the energy to once again move I was able to make it to a fence, which I then used my remaining teeth to bite through (as mi padre had taught me – vaya con dios Rodrigo!) and off I went into the vast and inviting American landscape! And friends, I have once more found employment, and am proud to call myself a fish dumpster associate! My employer says it’s the only thing that smells worse than I do, although I think he may be joshing me!

As a plus to my employment, I’m also allowed to sleep in the dumpster and eat as much as I can, so long as no one can hear me as I make raspy, guttural noises as only a man with mostly severed vocal chords can when he bites through viscera and randomly strewn garbage as he tries to ingest some measure of sustenance! One night a gang of opossums (or a passel!) came to visit and ate a lot of my right arm while I was in one of my deep-sleeps that I believe are referred to as a “coma caused by severe brain trauma”, visited upon me by my hilarious co-workers!

This has taken many hours to write as you can imagine due to my missing fingers and what I was told by the doctor is a raging infection that could be treated quite easily if only I had health insurance or were paid in money!

She declined my offer of payment in half eaten fish skulls! I am confident my work friends will begin calling me lefty among all the other things they call me as they punch and kick me while I help place the rancid fish guts into my sleeping space. If I could speak I would yell “hooray!” as my life is even better than it’s ever been now that I’m employed and have a home! And some of my fingernails even grew back!

I feel sick always!

Until next time my gracious readers!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: January 4, 2015, 2:01 pm | No Comments »

Mi Amigos!

I have been dreading to write as I am very ashamed to say I seem to have been duped by the United States Government! While my last correspondence was full of merriment and mirth, I am afraid those words were said too quickly! While slumbering peaceably on top of a hot subway vent I was jostled from my nightmare strewn dreams and rather forcefully put into the back of a truck which I came to learn was owned and operated by my previous benefactors! Were I to own the faculties to weep, I would do so without cessation! Many months and tests later, and while I had thought I’d done well in the experimental biological testing lab, it seems I must have committed some careless error of judgement or courtesy as after a long period of terrible night terrors which revealed each horrifying moment time and time again I am fairly certain that rather than a formal and pleasant dismissal I was actually pulled out from my sleep-cage quite unexpectedly and tossed onto what felt and smelled like some of my work friends.

As my vocal chords were removed to assist my new Government friends in determining the side-effects of cutting a person’s vocal chords out with a screwdriver (I hope someone reads the results of that study to me some day, I sure would like to know which of my debilitating illnesses and pains may be attributed to it!) I was unable to say anything to them, and they said nothing to me. And then friends, off we went! I could feel we were being wheeled forward in a large bin, and could hear from the great guys that were pushing us that we were off to our riches and freedom, although they used words like “mass grave” and “stinkhole”. Hilarious American slang! Happy days! Buenos dias mi familia! These were my thoughts as I clicked the vestige of my tongue merrily about. Pero mis amigos, nada era feliz.

I must now go as after unknowingly coughing what I imagine to be a very viscous and altogether putrid multi-colored and possibly living liquid on the screen I have been very nicely kicked in the back by the man who runs this apple store and asked very politely to crawl back into whatever Godless oblivion I was spawned from, but I will return soon to tell you more!

PS If anyone knows how to cure all these diseases, please let me know! Dying hurts!

PS#2 For all my writings, please press this!!!

I hear sirens that I assume are for me! Until next time, amigos!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: June 29, 2014, 8:31 pm | No Comments »

Hola mi familia!

I am told this is a video of my new shoes!

As my righteous hermano has stated, there is news of the utmost importance to report! I, Roberto Illich Sanchez, of Ciudad Juárez, have come into a great amount of dinero! In fact, my former employers have not only replaced my beloved leg of twigs and twine with that of a plastic and human-like appendage, but sent me off with the money to give me confidence that the rest of my life will be looked after! After my handlers pulled the rancid substances from my ever-infected stump and slathered it in what I am told was top secret government healing goop (which smelled a lot like vicks vaporub!) I now am able to say to the man at Foot Locker, once we had established I had the money to pay for them and should not be leaving before I make a scene, that I would like dos shoes instead of just one! Which is really quite nice because they used to just force me out of their premises with no shoes, in spite of my imaginably guttural and squealing protests, whilst shaking in my hands what I believed to be quite a few dollars! In hindsight, marshmallows do not offer the most viable option to verify that I did in fact have money, as the man who gave it to me for my extra pants that day said he was giving me five hundred dollars and may have taken advantage of my disability.

Nonetheless amigos, today I have two legs and two shoes, and what the CDC says is roughly two months to live! They also bestowed upon me the knowledge that I am not contagious, and that the experiments which have severely impeded my days left on this terra also will further the life of many lab rats by days! I am an important cog in the machine which runs the USA, I am told, insofar as lab rat experimentation, and I am thankful for that information! With the forty dollars I have since spent on my new zapatos, and another thirty dollars left over from my lion’s haul of cash I earned with the endless experiments performed upon me by my american friends, all I can say is that things are only going to get better, and other than this bloody, nearly never-ending cough I can’t seem to shake, along with the debilitating headaches, loss of equilibrium and strange and sometimes terrifying voices in my head, I think I am on my way to the best two months of my life!

Te amo todo! voy a vivir para siempre!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: June 23, 2013, 7:15 pm | No Comments »

Greetings and salutations amigos!

What a whirlwind of excitement to tell since when last we spoke! Court proceedings were put on hold when it became pellucid that my various physical and moreso physiological ailments were a clear and present danger to all those who came in contact with me! The case of my hospital fraud has since been dismissed, and I am a resident of the centers for disease control in Atlanta! All I had to do was sign some papers, which I assume read that I was an important and special person since my mostly sugar and corn syrup eye confectioneries were unable to help me to read it! Imagine me, Roberto Ilich Sanchez, of the illustrious and peaceful township of Juárez, Mexico, now a government employee of the United States of America! They seem to use words more akin to “how does it breathe” and “scientific anomaly” but I assume as I am being held and cared for by the government in a strange and antiseptic living space wherein I am constantly stuck and prodded with tubes and needles that I must be a worker for the USA!

Amigos, this is a great accomplishment which all Mexican citizens are dreaming for as they lay their heads on heaps of rocks and cover their frail, malnourished bones with the skin of their once loved pets or children, if only to stave off the claws of death for one evening more. I miss my old friend from youth, Maligno, very deeply, but boy did his hide help keep my core organs warm during those cold winter months, and his meat and less appetizing intestines kept our family of 14 fed for a day at least! Well the men of the family anyways. I miss my mother, and her tasty arms. Viva Malingo y mi madre!

While the various tubes and invasive tests may seem to you terrible and inhumane, I promise I don’t mind! I usually feel as though I am flying high above the earth and barely have time to think about anything at all! Compared to the usual brush-fire like burning of my infected leg-stump and soft mewling I previously emitted unabated due to my un-tethered, viscously oozing pustules, this is a trip through the park! A park where I am not beaten and spit on by children when they find me resting from heat stroke in the bushes!

I am afraid however I may not be able to update again for some time as I have been elected to partake in a study which my blue suited amigos tell me will be exciting and take me to a new ward in which they do something called experimental biological testing! They assure me I will be made to feel things I have not yet had the pleasure to feel before, and that afterwards they will happily remove any extra appendages and sores that I did not have previously! Remove extra appendages? Friends, I would be the happiest hombre on earth should I have even the usual amount!

Until next time!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: February 27, 2013, 11:57 pm | No Comments »

heyDearest friends, I regret to inform you that my most precious amor is now nothing more than a memory. While the brain tumor that consumed my bride to be was thought to be terminal, it turns out the amorphous legion that attached itself to her thinking cap was in fact a treatable concern, and after successful sessions to reduce the demon, along with the resulting regaining of her eyesight and realization she would not soon become a shade, our wedding plans quickly dissipated. While I cannot be certain her screams of “how does it live, how can it be breathing in this world that we are taught has order and does not contain monsters, but here I stand in the presence of one such thing” and “why aren’t the police here putting all of their bullets into this forever smirking, marshmallowed affront to god” were directed at me personally, I have a sneaking suspicion they may have been. Mostly due to my eyes being soggy marshmallows, and my other facets of physical appearance not being what many would consider human. The accompanying rain of blows that matched my one time loves words to my withered and mostly pustulating appendages and failing core organs gave me the idea that our relationship may be over. But do not despair on my behalf amigos, for good things have come from our split!

I have since mostly healed from the savage beating, and the good people at the hospital were nice enough to carry me out and sort of carefully dump me out into the street three blocks from the hospital entrance! They barely even remarked how my insurance card I gave them previously was no more than a Cap’n Crunch “kids ahoy” adventure sticker, and how I would be sued into oblivion for trying to be so sneaky! I don’t know what sued means, but it sounds involving and I have a date to visit with my hospital friends in a court in one and one half months! I now sleep in a sewage drain! Other than the nipping at my heels by visiting rats, and the cholera, I think this is one of the nicest places I have ever lived. I swear on my mother Joze that I will make enough money to move from this sewage byway to a bonafied hobo town, under a bridge or beside a train yard or in an alley way. My possibilities are endless! Things are looking up friends!!!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: March 18, 2012, 2:31 am | 2 Comments »

De confianza,

Once more I come to you with fomenting news! Your most loyal and dear friend, Roberto Sanchez, has found love! My beloved and I have set a date to make good our promises before el saviour, Cristo Jesus, and are looking very much forward to our juxtaposition before the Lord. You may be asking, Roberto Sanchez, how could one ever love a man who has been burned, beaten, amputated, half-castrated and Cat’s pawed, and also convicted of vagrancy, lunacy, beastility, necromancy and ichthyomancy? The answer is simple! As my life is blind due to the vicious and completely unnecessary dissolving of my eye balls, love mimics! My love, unbeknownst to me at the time of my previous writing from my hospital bed after my unfortunate tumble from an interstate overpass, was nestled safely next to me in our semi-private room! As my time passed and I was able to muster more time of consciousness, the un-steady, labored breathing of my bed-neighbor began to tell me more of her life and it’s trails and tribulations! From the whispers of orderlies and nurses I was able to ascertain that she is a victim of one of life’s little problems – a sizable brain tumor!

As I healed from my previous birth-giving the love between us grew and, before I knew it, I am told she had blinked two times to signify she agreed with my proposal to unite us forever!

Stay tuned for further updates as the date approaches! Which has to happen before January 23rd because her brain aberration is due to cause her skull to crack open and make her a whole lot less alive by then!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: December 13, 2011, 7:40 pm | No Comments »

Ola amigos! Tis I, Señor Sanchez, merrily writing to you from what I assume to be a luxurious computer terminal in the city of love, Buffalo, New York! I come to this conclusion only because I have been raped many times since my arrival, and the keyboard feels like jello! I believe I have been strewn adrift by once more becoming disoriented on my way home and falling off the interstate overpass again. Let me tell you friends, it is harder to navigate your way home when your eyes are nothing but gooey, puss encompassed campfire treats!

Whilst tumbling downward in what can only be described as pants-ruining terror, I realized perhaps my long and glorious life had ended. Just then my spirit guide, Anjelica Houston, guided me into a dump truck carrying a fruitful load of manure to very violently catch me! The aromas which immediately pierced through my makeshift eyes and blistered, open, ever-festering wounds reminded me of childhood when the neighborhood kids whould toss donkey feces in my direction, often hitting me in the mouth and eyes! I’ve always been hated!

What I assume to be consciousness returned to me sometime later, when my majestic ride dumped it’s contents, and myself, into a large heap! But mi hermanos, from the waste of higher beings I rose, and with me an amazing new discovery! Eating animal feces doesn’t kill you!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: November 11, 2011, 2:12 am | No Comments »

Ola amigos and amigas!  Today I am writing to inform you of a great and respectable event in my ever-blessed life!   It would seem that I, Roberto Sanchez of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, am in a special and exclusive club!  My clubs name is Vicente Carrillo Fuentes Organization and let me assure you, while some of the work I do for my brothers with the La Línea gets a little messy, it is the utmost pleasure to be recognized as a productive and useful man-thing, as they affectionately call me among their angry shouts to put all the body parts in a bag!  While my lack of vision, hearing and bowel control is sometimes an issue, I have found that my new friends are quite polite as long as I continue to speak little and do what they ask of me, which is communicated through a series of punches that I have come to understand as words!

I wear a potato sack on my head, and ironically I am told they put eye holes in it!  They affectionately refer to me as el papa monstruo!  I am also happy to report that I have not been concussed for 2 months in a row!  This is truly the best time of my life other than the time at the factory when a stranger helped jab my twig and plastic constructed walking appendage into my thigh stump after I had blacked out from the ether huffing and lost it!  How nice it was to have usage of my twig leg again, especially knowing that a band of angry racoons had stolen it while I laid helplessly in a fume induced stupor!   Those stinking varmints will pay, Vincente tells me through a series of kicks and punches!  I’m out of marshmallows and now have nothing other than seepage to hide my eyeless sockets!

I surely hope that I am not murdered for writing about my employer!  Thank you for looking into my doings and happenings and please don’t tell Vincente!  Here is a picture of a watermelon

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: October 10, 2011, 12:45 pm | No Comments »

16  Jul
Loving Life!!!!

Good news, friends!

My fever has broken enough that I am able to say to anyone passing by my doorway that cares to listen or dares a cautious look in, “I am no longer in a coma!”  Awakening from a coma in previous occurrences was always rather lonely, as I was mostly spit on and shrieks of “el monstruo!” would echo through the streets until I was kicked back into an alleyway.  This time it seems I am full of blessings! Gentle readers, I have come to learn upon gaining consciousness that I am in a real and functioning hospital, and that I have recently become a proud parent to many children!  Friends, you must be asking, “With all due respect Senor Sanchez, what woman would mate with a man who has the features of a punctured and seeping colon coupled with the smell one would expect when immersed in a swimming pool filled with half eaten rats and sun-baked corpses?”  Amigos, I can tell you this, sometimes love is blind, sometimes love is fate, and sometimes love is an invasive creature laying eggs in your scalp and lips!

I feel a bit sneaky not letting you in on this sooner, but being as the doctor told me upon waking up that I had lost 45% of my mental capacity due to the coma, I think it’s pretty great that I even remember this!  My eye sockets leak constantly!

My confederates, it seems I may have fallen into a rather insidious patch of bush after a long night of running from those town jokers who like to play the “that’s the guy I saw looking in my window, get him!” game!  I never understood how I was always “it” when my eyes are nothing more than two marshmallows with blue ink circles drawn in the middle stuck into my weeping sockets.  After the beating, I was later found in a ditch by a hobo looking for cans, who was spotted by the police doing something they told me after awaking is called “sodomy” or the “stinky dinky”.  What also happened during the “fart plugging” I am told, is that my face was infiltrated by spiders, who laid thousands of eggs into my lip and scalp!

So my friends, I am now enjoying my own private room at the hospital which the doctors and nurses have been nice enough to lock down and they are now putting what I imagine to be sweet smelling smokes through the vents for myself and my many children to enjoy.  While my marshmallow eyes don’t see my offspring, I can certainly feel them running up and down my body, lovingly biting, and biting, and biting me.  What fun parenthood is!  If only my nose and sense of smell hadn’t burned those many years prior in the great fire of Jaurez, I could have a sniff of what my kids are enjoying, which seems to be making them less bitey!  I feel a bit sleepy.  Until next time my confidants!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Awesomeness, Roberto Sanchez. Date: July 16, 2011, 1:44 am | No Comments »

10  Sep

Hello and salutations!

Apologies for the lateness in my update but unfortunately I have had some troubles with using the internet as upon entering internet cafe’s I am denied services as I unsettle the other customers! I have been quite busy in the recent months and am excited to explain my side of the story to you!

Friends, let me set the stage for this wonderful event through descriptive words! It was a warm and gentle evening, the cool breeze flowing gracefully upon my noisome, frail corpse like shell of a body and although I had just awoken from a particularly savage beating at the hands of local teens, I was feeling like a million pesos. I am sure you are now asking yourself, Mr. Sanchez, how on earth could you feel so great after being beaten about the head and upper torso by a gang of 9th graders? Friends, the reason is this:

For the first time since the explosion of ’82, I could hear!

I could hear the birds chirping, the cars passing in the distance, the blood dripping steadily onto the concrete below me and my soft whimpering mews as I struggled to breathe. Oh happy day! It seems one of the youths who administered my “tune-up” had lodged a stick into my ear canal, inadvertently puncturing the scar tissue and mucus that had built up and allowing sound to once more travel into my brain, where it eagerly lapped it up!

Since this happy event I have been able to find gainful employment once more, with the prestigious job title of Telesales Operations Specialist! I sell cat coffins to the public via phone calls and am lucky enough to speak with many interesting people! While most offer only loud vociferation to my opening line of “Is your cat dying or recently deceased and perhaps in your freezer?” others are quite happy to chat and do not even seem to mind that I must interrupt the conversation every few minutes to empty my puss bag which holds my various facial leakings! And for the first time in 27 years I can hear the wonderful names people shower me with whilst I hobble down the town streets! Apparently odious scuzz-man is a fashionable name for a fellow as I hear it often in between the screams!

Life is great!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: September 10, 2009, 4:58 pm | No Comments »

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