19  Aug

Hello there you soulless fiends.

Enough with the pleasantries, let’s get down to the “meat and potatoes” of this update, or if you’re a vegetarian, then the “celery and I hope you burn in hell you dirty fucking hippy” of this update.

What I would like to know is how in this day and age, where we can send people to the moon, or even convince mentally retarded kids to punch cops in the balls, we still have this horrid problem of today’s men wearing “briefs” or “tighty whities” or “I like feeling my testicles from the inside”. Common excuses for this strange behavior are:

Typical briefs wearer.

– “Boxers make me feel like everything is hanging out.”

This, loosely translated means “I wish I was born a woman and need to have my genitals seem as non-existent as possible by pushing them up as close to me as possible so I can dance in front of the mirror wearing my mothers wedding dress and slapping my ass with a paddle while I cry and beg daddy to stop.”

– “Girls find a guy that wears briefs sexy.”

After hearing that, I did some research on the subject, and after interviewing many girls, most of which I had never met before and probably only answered me because I was holding a knife to their throats, gave a resounding “NO.” Go ahead, ask some girls about it, or if you are a girl, then just ask yourself, and I’m sure you will say no as well.

You see gentle readers, there is nothing sexy about the naked male body, and unless you’re on top of some girl too drunk to realize you have the looks of a dead tarantula covered in maggots, you shouldn’t get naked in front of them. Well with the exception of my Uncle Chester, who spent most of his days undressing in front of women, up until that time the cops shot him when he did it at the children’s fair in the park. Anyways, naked guys look like hairy, pale, chicken-like things, with a huge huge huge huge dangly thing in between their legs. Oh wait, that’s just me naked. But still, after another exhaustive minute and a half of research I was again greeted with a loud “OH GOD NO” when asking girls if they enjoyed nudity and men when lights are on. Unless it’s someone like Brad Pitt or Bill Gates, but most guys aren’t blessed with such wonderful physiques. Think about it, if the general population enjoyed seeing peckers all the time we would be subjected to it a lot more in movies.

– “I’m a girl you idiot, would you please stop asking me why I wear briefs.”

That one kind of happened after a heavy morning of drinking, so we’ll disregard it.

Now that I’ve thoroughly discussed the downsides of wearing briefs, let’s move on to the greatness of boxers.

– Many different styles, colors and materials to choose from.

These aren’t the boxers I had in mind, but I couldn’t find anything else. Sorry.

Let’s say I am in the mood for love. Well, what is sexier than silk? I can easily slip into my silk boxers, (with my choice of designs being everything from christmas trees to fish and fishing rods) and instantly my chances for love are tripled. And that along with my trusty bottle of ether seals the deal every time. But what if I’m feeling more like a tough guy? Well, then, I can put on my gangsta-like striped boxers, my Tommy Hilfiger boxers, or my “I hate white people” boxers, pull them up to my chest, pull my pants down to my knees, and I’m all set. Or if I’m feeling like a flaming fag I can put on my shiny gold boxers, but I don’t really want to get into that.

– Comfort

Maybe it’s just me, but I find that after a long day in the heat playing sports, robbing liquor stores or beating up hookers, it is a lot less likely that my private area will smell like rotting flesh and swiss cheese when I undress to hop into the shower. Why? Well even the dumbest person with a degree in astro-physics could easily deduce it is because of proper ventilation. When you have your twig and berries all pressed up in a small space of course sweat, motor oil, and clown face paint has a much easier time getting in there and making a terrible smell.

– Jesus wore boxers

That’s right, everyone’s favorite mythical creature from the Jurassic period wore nothing but boxers. And you don’t want to piss off Jesus do you?

In conclusion, only girly men and nazis wear tighty whities. And possibly that guy who stands on the corner of my street wearing nothing but tighty whities screaming things about termites in his brain and the ghostbusters at passing motorists. Well ok, so DEFINITELY that guy, but also girly men and nazis.

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: August 19, 2008, 10:46 am | No Comments »

Have you ever wished cancer upon someone and found out years later they actually got it?  This is what I call Justice de awesomeo or translated into english justice de awesomeo.  Wait.  Fucking babbelfish!

In other news I have cancer.


okay!  Some day I’ll write more than a few sentences.  But today is not that day mon freres!

Or is it?

No, it isn’t.  Why not enjoy the link below in the meantime?



Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: August 15, 2008, 2:49 pm | 4 Comments »