16  Jul
Loving Life!!!!

Good news, friends!

My fever has broken enough that I am able to say to anyone passing by my doorway that cares to listen or dares a cautious look in, “I am no longer in a coma!”  Awakening from a coma in previous occurrences was always rather lonely, as I was mostly spit on and shrieks of “el monstruo!” would echo through the streets until I was kicked back into an alleyway.  This time it seems I am full of blessings! Gentle readers, I have come to learn upon gaining consciousness that I am in a real and functioning hospital, and that I have recently become a proud parent to many children!  Friends, you must be asking, “With all due respect Senor Sanchez, what woman would mate with a man who has the features of a punctured and seeping colon coupled with the smell one would expect when immersed in a swimming pool filled with half eaten rats and sun-baked corpses?”  Amigos, I can tell you this, sometimes love is blind, sometimes love is fate, and sometimes love is an invasive creature laying eggs in your scalp and lips!

I feel a bit sneaky not letting you in on this sooner, but being as the doctor told me upon waking up that I had lost 45% of my mental capacity due to the coma, I think it’s pretty great that I even remember this!  My eye sockets leak constantly!

My confederates, it seems I may have fallen into a rather insidious patch of bush after a long night of running from those town jokers who like to play the “that’s the guy I saw looking in my window, get him!” game!  I never understood how I was always “it” when my eyes are nothing more than two marshmallows with blue ink circles drawn in the middle stuck into my weeping sockets.  After the beating, I was later found in a ditch by a hobo looking for cans, who was spotted by the police doing something they told me after awaking is called “sodomy” or the “stinky dinky”.  What also happened during the “fart plugging” I am told, is that my face was infiltrated by spiders, who laid thousands of eggs into my lip and scalp!

So my friends, I am now enjoying my own private room at the hospital which the doctors and nurses have been nice enough to lock down and they are now putting what I imagine to be sweet smelling smokes through the vents for myself and my many children to enjoy.  While my marshmallow eyes don’t see my offspring, I can certainly feel them running up and down my body, lovingly biting, and biting, and biting me.  What fun parenthood is!  If only my nose and sense of smell hadn’t burned those many years prior in the great fire of Jaurez, I could have a sniff of what my kids are enjoying, which seems to be making them less bitey!  I feel a bit sleepy.  Until next time my confidants!

Posted by Roberto Sanchez, filed under Awesomeness, Roberto Sanchez. Date: July 16, 2011, 1:44 am | No Comments »