Thro’ me you go to Acheron’s doleful river,
Thro’ me you to go realms of endless pain,
Thro’ me you go among the lost for ever.
Eternal Justice did my being ordain:
Power, Wisdom, Love, supreme primeval Trine,
Ere yet the perishable world began,
The lofty fabric rear’d with art divine.
With things eternal I endure eterne,
O ye who enter, every hope resign.

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: November 26, 2011, 12:35 pm | Comments Off on Abashed the devil stood, and felt how awful goodness is.

I like watching people. I like wandering through endless waves of human onslaught, watching, observing, inspecting, ogling, plotting, planning, &etc. I like to imagine what they do for fun, what kind of family life they have, what sort of things interest them, what their faces would look like while their guts spill out of their eviscerated stomachs, feebly and uselessly trying to push them back in while I casually wipe off my straight razor with a paper hand towel in a deserted public washroom.

You know – normal stuff.

There are some that I do not enjoy watching, however. At times while I am navigating the throng of co-humans I find myself inexplicably struck with terror which results in what may seem to some like a terrible stroke – my mouth constricts into a painful grimace, my eyes open wide as Blaine’s exit wound, my limbs and bowels suddenly and involuntarily clenching into a paralytic state. I would think this a normal reaction when seeing a 450 pound woman approaching, wearing spandex and a tight sweatshirt – well tight for such a specimen due to the constraints of an extra, extra, extra, extra large garment – stomach clearly (and often visibly past the aforementioned sweatshirt) hanging to the knee area, innumerable chins, all jiggling in a nauseatingly beautiful motion as she moves stubbornly and against the laws of physics forward in a motion I can only describe as someone attempting to navigate movement in Antarctic terrain while wearing snow shoes for the first time. Apparently though, I am incorrect, as my horror filled reaction is met by a scowl and a healthy dose of anger. I assume most people don’t react in this way because they are smarter than I am, being as we skinnies are outnumbered and trapped helplessly under the net of political correctness and the apparent ability for these people to defend themselves between bites.

These people deserve our respect, our love, our pity, I am told. It isn’t their fault. They are allergic to exercise and self-esteem. We spend a large (forgive the pun) sum of money to keep these food machines from dying, and we encourage their eating habits with promises of rich, delicious, sodium and saturated fat foods which are affordable and available on every street corner. So that is probably the issue. Although most people eat that shit here and there and manage to not expand like a bloated corpse. Here’s a word for you to learn, fatties!

In my recent past, I sat casually in a seat on the steel torpedo that transports us humans to and fro deep underground, like worms through an intestinal tract in the underbelly of the city, head buried in a book and listening to my best of Tom Jones album, when I was at suddenly and without warning accosted by a very unwelcome guest. The act didn’t appear malicious; the young lady who sat next to/on me seemed unaware that her buttocks takes up more than one seat. Perhaps she also didn’t feel my femur snap into uncountable pieces, as she seemed confused – bewildered even – when I rose from my seat and hobbled over to sit across from her. In an empty row of seats. All of which she could have utilized. Literally. I think I was almost eaten that day.

Also, this guy can wink with his chest!

– SEACREST OUT

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: November 23, 2011, 10:47 pm | No Comments »

Ricardo Alfonso Cerna illustrates how I plan to spend xmas!

Ah, nothing like an old European Rapemas to brighten the spirits and officially welcome in the onslaught of the holiday season. Look how Grandma casually mimics our young victim’s arm positioning, reminiscing about when her brother first inaugurated her into the family tradition of incestmas. The nice thing about christmas time is you can pretty much put “mas” on anything to make it appear more festive and acceptable. For example, two work companions – amigos, if you will – could strike up a conversation one December morn, in which one guy, whom we’ll call Simon, says to the other, who we’ll call Sam, “hey, so I took that girl out last night for some drinks…and let’s just say she had a merry date rape-mas!” To which his colleague Sam would no doubt chortle loudly and offer his hand in a position that would signify he is requesting a “high five”. However, should that exact conversation play out in let’s say, April, the conclusion would result in awkward silence, and most likely some sort of police charges, especially after Sam came to the realization that it was his sister that Simon took out last night. Seriously, look at that. Three rape jokes all made festive simply by adding “mas”. Try it out with at home and witness the splendor that this season spreads! The “mas” thing, not the “forced entry”.

Srsly though, the holiday season is really a strange and wonderful experience, especially in these troubled financial times, in which multitudes of people are hanging out in parks, alleyways and city streets, all with visions of corporate executives swinging from lamp posts dancing in their heads. These peaceful demonstrations will solve the problem, the disease-marred masses prattle on about, their Marlboro cigarettes hanging laxly from their lips, as they march onwards against the corporate demons who are ruining their lives and preventing them from being rich. Pay no heed to the irony of their twitter-based rally-cries, nor think of their democratic rights which save them the hot sting of 5.56 rounds penetrating their chests or shrapnel pummeling through their bodies. Let us salute those brave souls, fighting against the insurmountable credit debt which they themselves have wrapped up in so tightly as to never wiggle free, only to figure maybe if they bitch about it enough those greedy corporate scum will absolve them of their ignorant, care-free spending which only a few short years ago was their right and need. Let us not wish to transport these brave girls and boys to Syria or Mogadishu so that they can perhaps understand the difference between having it rough because those fiends at Starbucks charge 3 dollars for a cup of coffee and having it rough because there is no food or running water and if you say anything about your Government men come to your home at night looking to end your protests indefinitely.

Do not put too much thought into how the movement came to be, and who may or may not be funding them. Think only of the amazing accomplishments that have been made thus far! Tremble as the foundations of Western Economy breach and collapse under the immense pressure of the unwashed masses, the proles finally shrugging off the ignorance inherent in their being to crush their corporate masters! Laugh along with the corporate masters at their fruitless, immeasurably useless occupation! Don’t mention how much their opinions were not taken into account and how Government and Corporate doctrine was fundamentally not revised in the wake of the world-wide protests against the Iraq war! Do not call these park, street and otherwise public venue squatters by their other name, homeless vagrants! Bless those brave occupiers, and may all their christmas dreams come true! And let us salute those brave celebrities who are stepping forward to help out! They truly understand the point of this endeavor! And make school free, apparently we didn’t know it would cost a lot before we agreed to it!

And don’t get me started on this sack of shit.

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: November 13, 2011, 9:04 pm | No Comments »

Ola amigos! Tis I, Señor Sanchez, merrily writing to you from what I assume to be a luxurious computer terminal in the city of love, Buffalo, New York! I come to this conclusion only because I have been raped many times since my arrival, and the keyboard feels like jello! I believe I have been strewn adrift by once more becoming disoriented on my way home and falling off the interstate overpass again. Let me tell you friends, it is harder to navigate your way home when your eyes are nothing but gooey, puss encompassed campfire treats!

Whilst tumbling downward in what can only be described as pants-ruining terror, I realized perhaps my long and glorious life had ended. Just then my spirit guide, Anjelica Houston, guided me into a dump truck carrying a fruitful load of manure to very violently catch me! The aromas which immediately pierced through my makeshift eyes and blistered, open, ever-festering wounds reminded me of childhood when the neighborhood kids whould toss donkey feces in my direction, often hitting me in the mouth and eyes! I’ve always been hated!

What I assume to be consciousness returned to me sometime later, when my majestic ride dumped it’s contents, and myself, into a large heap! But mi hermanos, from the waste of higher beings I rose, and with me an amazing new discovery! Eating animal feces doesn’t kill you!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: November 11, 2011, 2:12 am | No Comments »