FOLLOW ME, PEONS

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: January 14, 2012, 10:42 am | No Comments »

Oh hey,

Five minutes away from the airport, Tulsa was already starting to weird me out. First of all, it was snowing – something I was told explicitly and emphatically didn’t happen there so early in the year. “It’s warm,” I was told, “bring your speedo”. what a waste of luggage space those turned out to be Secondly, a disturbing trend was already starting to emerge. Every street corner alternated between three things: a sonic, a quik trip and a church. It appeared these people alternated between cramming greasy, delicious death into their sopping maws, drinking gasoline and worshiping jesus. Come to think of it, the gasoline drinking could explain the mindless devotion to god. Or maybe it’s the jib. As I had arrived late to my winter wonderland, I went straight to my treatment center living quarters and retired to bed, eager to see what the thriving metropolis had waiting for me.

As far as my pre-conceived notions of the religious insanity that I felt would envelop and confuse the shit out of me, I will say this: stereotypes exist for a reason. Churches everywhere. Bumper stickers on every car promoting the awesomeness of the lord. Guys rocking t-shirts that read “My church is kinda a big deal”. I stopped in at a local book store to buy some nancy drew mysteries Weird Al biographies and upon check-out was greeted by a cheery, middle aged woman who seemed to have fallen into a make-up pit and as she struggled out also was dunked into a vat of hairspray and, most unfortunately, also had broken a case of perfume bottles which I imagine were labeled as “skunk vomit, extra strength” somewhere in her vicinity at some point soon before my arrival. Her kittens wearing santa hats sweater was a nice touch. We began exchanging pleasantries, and about where I figured the seemingly world-wide custom of banal, unnecessary banter that comes with almost all check-out rituals and countless other awkward terrible situations was over, she posed a question that I at first didn’t understand. I played it cool though and did my best not to let on that I wasn’t sure what she meant.

“So where are you going tonight?”

“I don’t understand.”

She smiled. What church are you attending tonight, she clarified. It was Christmas eve, after all. “Oh,” I said flatly, “all of them.” I looked her in the eyes when I said this. Or into her eyes as best I could, as her eyelashes had thick armor of black paint and I believe her actual eyelashes called in reinforcements because they were like a veil over her big, empty brown eyes. I didn’t smile. I searched through the veil for some sort of reaction. It was like looking into space. Finally she came back. She handed me my change and receipt, and told me it was real nice that I was doing that. “Merry Christmas” she said, using the most pointed use of a trochee I’ve ever heard when she said Christmas. She watched me leave. I don’t think she blinked once during our entire exchange. I imagine it’s because her eyes might have stuck together. Whatever the hell that was, I thought while I walked hurriedly away from the santa cat book store, I don’t feel good. I don’t fit in here. I think I need to seek out the lord for guidance. And where better to do so than the Prayer Tower at Oral Roberts University?

Depending which way you enter the University, part of a 50 acre complex which also includes this, you may be lucky enough to be greeted by 60 foot high, 30 ton, praying hands. That you can see from space. Venturing past this, you come to the sprawling, surreal campus. It’s like a 1950’s sci-fi movie depicting an alien town. Everything is majestic. It’s all golden. And then there is the prayer tower. The First Lady(??) of Oral Roberts University can give you a tour and really show off her speaking skills here. As I walked towards the ridiculous structure I felt a wave of nausea healing power coming over me, if I could just get inside I’d be… the door was locked. A sign on the window informed me that the tower was closed for the holidays. So close to salvation, only to be turned away back into the cold, godless world from which I came.

NEXT TIME ON KRANK INDUSTRIES:

– THE MOBILIZED ARMY OF OBESE CITIZENS, SECOND RASCAL DIVISION

– THE TERRORS OF DOWNTOWN TULSA

– THE PART WHERE I STOP SKIRTING THE TOPIC OF HOW FUCKING MUCH I HATE THESE MORONIC JESUS-DRONES

– THE APPARENT LAW WHEREIN YOU HAVE TO DRIVE WITH A BLINDFOLD ON

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: January 7, 2012, 1:28 am | No Comments »