Hola mi familia!

I am told this is a video of my new shoes!

As my righteous hermano has stated, there is news of the utmost importance to report! I, Roberto Illich Sanchez, of Ciudad Juárez, have come into a great amount of dinero! In fact, my former employers have not only replaced my beloved leg of twigs and twine with that of a plastic and human-like appendage, but sent me off with the money to give me confidence that the rest of my life will be looked after! After my handlers pulled the rancid substances from my ever-infected stump and slathered it in what I am told was top secret government healing goop (which smelled a lot like vicks vaporub!) I now am able to say to the man at Foot Locker, once we had established I had the money to pay for them and should not be leaving before I make a scene, that I would like dos shoes instead of just one! Which is really quite nice because they used to just force me out of their premises with no shoes, in spite of my imaginably guttural and squealing protests, whilst shaking in my hands what I believed to be quite a few dollars! In hindsight, marshmallows do not offer the most viable option to verify that I did in fact have money, as the man who gave it to me for my extra pants that day said he was giving me five hundred dollars and may have taken advantage of my disability.

Nonetheless amigos, today I have two legs and two shoes, and what the CDC says is roughly two months to live! They also bestowed upon me the knowledge that I am not contagious, and that the experiments which have severely impeded my days left on this terra also will further the life of many lab rats by days! I am an important cog in the machine which runs the USA, I am told, insofar as lab rat experimentation, and I am thankful for that information! With the forty dollars I have since spent on my new zapatos, and another thirty dollars left over from my lion’s haul of cash I earned with the endless experiments performed upon me by my american friends, all I can say is that things are only going to get better, and other than this bloody, nearly never-ending cough I can’t seem to shake, along with the debilitating headaches, loss of equilibrium and strange and sometimes terrifying voices in my head, I think I am on my way to the best two months of my life!

Te amo todo! voy a vivir para siempre!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: June 23, 2013, 7:15 pm | No Comments »

These are good times, my friends. Times of warm weather, cold beers and the surge of fresh (not fresh really if you dwell on the condition of these things) hobos to hunt and butcher meet and greet, as they venture forth from their heated sanctuaries (aka homeless shelters/those vents over subways that give off some sort of steamy heat source) and into our midst. Here in my country which vilifies those who have the audacity to do things of an illicit nature – like smoke cigarettes – by charging them 10+ dollars per pack, it always irks me just a little when one of my less fortunate denizens comes shambling up to me, destitute in every manner and smelling as though there has to be some sort of fungus attached to them like those on a laxidasical, prowling shark, but without the remoras present to eat it away, shaking a filthy, half eaten cup in my face and begging for change, screaming things like, “I NEED TO FEED” while a cigarette dangles from their mouth. What are you feeding, exactly, I ask, your cigarette habit? Usually they counter with a stern lecture on their need for food and heroin, and mostly heroin, and that they usually just bum cigarettes, and do you have a cigarette please, I like cigarettes, at which point I tell them I don’t smoke and then happily hand over a few dollars, if only to get them to stop brandishing the knife in front of my face.

Ah, the joys of living in a heavily populated area. The constant din of people, always surrounded, and yet always feeling alone, as the numerous citizens push by, faces stoic, names unknowable, all obsessed with the small and petty trials and tribulations of their lives. But they do warm up with the weather, as I notice a certain level of civility increases when we are not faced with the blunt and brutal weather of months passed…but most of that I think is attributed to the fact that women no longer wear very many clothes, and men are much to pre-occupied with the Smörgåsbord of flesh passing them at every angle to be vicious towards anyone who happens to maybe step into their line of movement, which would have previously elicited some sort of grunt or push or furrowing of the brow, in order to convey their displeasure with your terrible and uncalled for actions. “Watch where you’re going you idiot, do you think you’re the only one walking?!”, I once heard a man scream at another who had inadvertently gotten into his way, amongst literally 1000 people in a crowded concourse. FYI these are the sort of people you want to hip check into a wall while you walk by, because a) it’s too crowded for them to do much about it and b) fuck those people.

fuck your life

AND that’s about all I can think of to randomly spew out.


Roberto contacted me recently and said he is writing a new article about his new found riches.  Judging by his past updates I assume this means he found a hoagie in a ditch which wasn’t completely consumed by maggots and/or some other diseased monstrosity, but who knows with him.

Hasta Luego

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: June 23, 2013, 5:56 pm | No Comments »