Mi Amigos!

Once more I am back to relate to you my doings and happenings! As I may have mentioned previously (my brain doesn’t work well!) I was being purposely carted out to a location with my sleeping friends, and after some amount of time we were all happily dropped 6 feet into what seemed a spacious new place! Shortly after I was showered with warming and wonderful dirt! This went on for some time and I became quite warm, which was nice after spending mucho time in my cold sleep-cage between my humanity-saving tests but also it was very hard to breathe! Although my fingernails had been removed in order to test how people react to having their fingernails removed (I think I did well!) I began to feebly scratch and crawl through my very heavy earth-blanket, eventually coming to the surface and then lying on it for hours, my creaking, raspy breath coming in spurts while trying to remember who and where I was! My sleeping friends I believe are still resting under their dirt blanket and I am confident they will wake up soon to join me in my never-ending heaven that is life!

badgermeatspinAfter finding the energy to once again move I was able to make it to a fence, which I then used my remaining teeth to bite through (as mi padre had taught me – vaya con dios Rodrigo!) and off I went into the vast and inviting American landscape! And friends, I have once more found employment, and am proud to call myself a fish dumpster associate! My employer says it’s the only thing that smells worse than I do, although I think he may be joshing me!

As a plus to my employment, I’m also allowed to sleep in the dumpster and eat as much as I can, so long as no one can hear me as I make raspy, guttural noises as only a man with mostly severed vocal chords can when he bites through viscera and randomly strewn garbage as he tries to ingest some measure of sustenance! One night a gang of opossums (or a passel!) came to visit and ate a lot of my right arm while I was in one of my deep-sleeps that I believe are referred to as a “coma caused by severe brain trauma”, visited upon me by my hilarious co-workers!

This has taken many hours to write as you can imagine due to my missing fingers and what I was told by the doctor is a raging infection that could be treated quite easily if only I had health insurance or were paid in money!

She declined my offer of payment in half eaten fish skulls! I am confident my work friends will begin calling me lefty among all the other things they call me as they punch and kick me while I help place the rancid fish guts into my sleeping space. If I could speak I would yell “hooray!” as my life is even better than it’s ever been now that I’m employed and have a home! And some of my fingernails even grew back!

I feel sick always!

Until next time my gracious readers!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: January 4, 2015, 2:01 pm | No Comments »

Bury me in a nameless grave
I came from God the world to save.
I brought them wisdom from above:
Worship, & liberty, & love.
They slew me for I did disparage
Therefore, Religion, Law & Marriage.
So be my grave without a name
That earth may swallow up my shame.

It is time for the apparently tri-annual update to this desolate piece of internet landscape – so here we goooooooooooooooooooo! (please read that as someone saying “go” in an elongated fashion, not that there is some sort of “goo” fest about to begin. I’m not into that. Not since that time in Cozumel. Thankfully everything is cheap there, including paying off cops when they find you naked and blood-drenched, wandering along the beach, dragging your new friend by the ankle and daring sharks to leap forth from the horror-filled depths and take a shot at you. (If you’re reading this, Manuel, I’m real sorry for my actions that night, tequila and mescaline sometimes cause me to do non-reputable things. haha, of course I’m kidding, dead kids can’t read anything!)

1262274151922Friends, I am feeling pretty good today – you could almost call my mood content, except that I never allow myself to be in such a state anymore, as I learned that contentedness leads to complacency and complacency leads to getting held down in the back of a Target by a group of brutish, foul smelling Albanians while they gang rape you. Uh, wait, I mean someone told me that’s what it leads to. Ardit, you haven’t returned my texts about the HIV test

People with no arms must feel really bad in public when they have a cold, they can’t even cough into their sleeves or blow their snot-sewer noses. That’s gross. Stay home if you’re sick, armless people! That goes for those of us who still have our upper appendages, as well. I’m sick of your shit, commuters. I’m also sick from your sicknesses, commuters.

Close Up Portrait of Ted Bundy Waving
I HAS A HAND AND ITS GOT DISEASE

not sure why that photo caption made it a link – thanks HTML5!

If you think being at an office party and noticing you have cum stains on your pants is awkward – well you’re right.

Did you know if you take a mere one hundred dollars, do a lot of research and talk to qualified individuals about your options, and then invest it in a growing stock that you are still going to die? Life is a cruel joke.

In other news, I have a 5 page rant about inane shit (or is it?) written on a notepad that I started typing in but then I got bored with writing it into my computing device so instead here’s a picture of a hilarious cat:

a9CBb9M

I need to hire a secretary to read my notes to me. Or actually I guess I would tell her what to write. And yes I said “her” because women are good at that kind of thing, according to Mad Men. To be honest I don’t think they have the brain capacity to listen and type at the same time, but hey, that’s TV for you. Anyways, maybe in 4 months I’ll finish writing it out and I’ll post it!

In the meantime, check out the homie Sarah’s website, she updates almost as much as I do!

SPOOKY SPOOKIES

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: January 4, 2015, 12:10 pm | No Comments »