Mi Amigos!

Once more I am back to relate to you my doings and happenings! As I may have mentioned previously (my brain doesn’t work well!) I was being purposely carted out to a location with my sleeping friends, and after some amount of time we were all happily dropped 6 feet into what seemed a spacious new place! Shortly after I was showered with warming and wonderful dirt! This went on for some time and I became quite warm, which was nice after spending mucho time in my cold sleep-cage between my humanity-saving tests but also it was very hard to breathe! Although my fingernails had been removed in order to test how people react to having their fingernails removed (I think I did well!) I began to feebly scratch and crawl through my very heavy earth-blanket, eventually coming to the surface and then lying on it for hours, my creaking, raspy breath coming in spurts while trying to remember who and where I was! My sleeping friends I believe are still resting under their dirt blanket and I am confident they will wake up soon to join me in my never-ending heaven that is life!

badgermeatspinAfter finding the energy to once again move I was able to make it to a fence, which I then used my remaining teeth to bite through (as mi padre had taught me – vaya con dios Rodrigo!) and off I went into the vast and inviting American landscape! And friends, I have once more found employment, and am proud to call myself a fish dumpster associate! My employer says it’s the only thing that smells worse than I do, although I think he may be joshing me!

As a plus to my employment, I’m also allowed to sleep in the dumpster and eat as much as I can, so long as no one can hear me as I make raspy, guttural noises as only a man with mostly severed vocal chords can when he bites through viscera and randomly strewn garbage as he tries to ingest some measure of sustenance! One night a gang of opossums (or a passel!) came to visit and ate a lot of my right arm while I was in one of my deep-sleeps that I believe are referred to as a “coma caused by severe brain trauma”, visited upon me by my hilarious co-workers!

This has taken many hours to write as you can imagine due to my missing fingers and what I was told by the doctor is a raging infection that could be treated quite easily if only I had health insurance or were paid in money!

She declined my offer of payment in half eaten fish skulls! I am confident my work friends will begin calling me lefty among all the other things they call me as they punch and kick me while I help place the rancid fish guts into my sleeping space. If I could speak I would yell “hooray!” as my life is even better than it’s ever been now that I’m employed and have a home! And some of my fingernails even grew back!

I feel sick always!

Until next time my gracious readers!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: January 4, 2015, 2:01 pm | No Comments »

Bury me in a nameless grave
I came from God the world to save.
I brought them wisdom from above:
Worship, & liberty, & love.
They slew me for I did disparage
Therefore, Religion, Law & Marriage.
So be my grave without a name
That earth may swallow up my shame.

It is time for the apparently tri-annual update to this desolate piece of internet landscape – so here we goooooooooooooooooooo! (please read that as someone saying “go” in an elongated fashion, not that there is some sort of “goo” fest about to begin. I’m not into that. Not since that time in Cozumel. Thankfully everything is cheap there, including paying off cops when they find you naked and blood-drenched, wandering along the beach, dragging your new friend by the ankle and daring sharks to leap forth from the horror-filled depths and take a shot at you. (If you’re reading this, Manuel, I’m real sorry for my actions that night, tequila and mescaline sometimes cause me to do non-reputable things. haha, of course I’m kidding, dead kids can’t read anything!)

1262274151922Friends, I am feeling pretty good today – you could almost call my mood content, except that I never allow myself to be in such a state anymore, as I learned that contentedness leads to complacency and complacency leads to getting held down in the back of a Target by a group of brutish, foul smelling Albanians while they gang rape you. Uh, wait, I mean someone told me that’s what it leads to. Ardit, you haven’t returned my texts about the HIV test

People with no arms must feel really bad in public when they have a cold, they can’t even cough into their sleeves or blow their snot-sewer noses. That’s gross. Stay home if you’re sick, armless people! That goes for those of us who still have our upper appendages, as well. I’m sick of your shit, commuters. I’m also sick from your sicknesses, commuters.

Close Up Portrait of Ted Bundy Waving
I HAS A HAND AND ITS GOT DISEASE

not sure why that photo caption made it a link – thanks HTML5!

If you think being at an office party and noticing you have cum stains on your pants is awkward – well you’re right.

Did you know if you take a mere one hundred dollars, do a lot of research and talk to qualified individuals about your options, and then invest it in a growing stock that you are still going to die? Life is a cruel joke.

In other news, I have a 5 page rant about inane shit (or is it?) written on a notepad that I started typing in but then I got bored with writing it into my computing device so instead here’s a picture of a hilarious cat:

a9CBb9M

I need to hire a secretary to read my notes to me. Or actually I guess I would tell her what to write. And yes I said “her” because women are good at that kind of thing, according to Mad Men. To be honest I don’t think they have the brain capacity to listen and type at the same time, but hey, that’s TV for you. Anyways, maybe in 4 months I’ll finish writing it out and I’ll post it!

In the meantime, check out the homie Sarah’s website, she updates almost as much as I do!

SPOOKY SPOOKIES

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: January 4, 2015, 12:10 pm | No Comments »

I really wish I could think of something to write about. Writer’s block is a disease, people. Where is my charity to combat this vile, decimating terror that affects more people than, I dunno, leprosy? How many shitheads are sitting right now in a starbucks, staring blankly at their macbook pro, wishing only to come up with something clever for their blog about hamsters or perhaps how the world could be fixed if only we’d stop eating so much meat? Maybe that conflict for the second act of the book they’re writing is just out of their reach. I see them when someone I’m with makes me go into starbucks, and I think, “you poor bastard, if only a truck could veer off the road right now and crush every bone in your body.” Wait, I mean…no, that’s what I meant. Hipster, self-important scumbags sitting at a coffee shop with dictionaries beside them (because internet enabled computers don’t offer such things as words and definitions of words) make me want to pour my seven dollar pumpkin-spice latte directly into their eyeballs. Do these scumfucks not have an internet at home? I’m guessing these are the same people who spend more time tweeting “I’m working on my book” than they actually spend time writing a book. That no one will read. Fuck you guys.

Hey I thought of something to write about! And if you’re reading this in a coffee shop, choke on your own tongue. It’ll be the only thing that ever gets you in the news, albeit with a headline of “asshole chokes on tongue, everyone is pleased.”

7153-user

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: October 5, 2014, 5:35 pm | No Comments »

Mi Amigos!

I have been dreading to write as I am very ashamed to say I seem to have been duped by the United States Government! While my last correspondence was full of merriment and mirth, I am afraid those words were said too quickly! While slumbering peaceably on top of a hot subway vent I was jostled from my nightmare strewn dreams and rather forcefully put into the back of a truck which I came to learn was owned and operated by my previous benefactors! Were I to own the faculties to weep, I would do so without cessation! Many months and tests later, and while I had thought I’d done well in the experimental biological testing lab, it seems I must have committed some careless error of judgement or courtesy as after a long period of terrible night terrors which revealed each horrifying moment time and time again I am fairly certain that rather than a formal and pleasant dismissal I was actually pulled out from my sleep-cage quite unexpectedly and tossed onto what felt and smelled like some of my work friends.

As my vocal chords were removed to assist my new Government friends in determining the side-effects of cutting a person’s vocal chords out with a screwdriver (I hope someone reads the results of that study to me some day, I sure would like to know which of my debilitating illnesses and pains may be attributed to it!) I was unable to say anything to them, and they said nothing to me. And then friends, off we went! I could feel we were being wheeled forward in a large bin, and could hear from the great guys that were pushing us that we were off to our riches and freedom, although they used words like “mass grave” and “stinkhole”. Hilarious American slang! Happy days! Buenos dias mi familia! These were my thoughts as I clicked the vestige of my tongue merrily about. Pero mis amigos, nada era feliz.

I must now go as after unknowingly coughing what I imagine to be a very viscous and altogether putrid multi-colored and possibly living liquid on the screen I have been very nicely kicked in the back by the man who runs this apple store and asked very politely to crawl back into whatever Godless oblivion I was spawned from, but I will return soon to tell you more!

PS If anyone knows how to cure all these diseases, please let me know! Dying hurts!

PS#2 For all my writings, please press this!!!

I hear sirens that I assume are for me! Until next time, amigos!

Posted by Krank, filed under Roberto Sanchez. Date: June 29, 2014, 8:31 pm | No Comments »

YES

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: June 29, 2014, 7:41 pm | No Comments »

Pre-determined by birth to be a prole, predicated by the environment I was raised in to perpetuate it. I believe in irreparable human damage. I believe in self-destruction. I believe in irrepressible, irresponsible and irrevocable hatred, a loathing for things and people that can never be entirely written off, explained, justified. I believe it’s getting worse. I’m on board with this. I’m steering the boat into the storm.

And why? I was always under the impression, in my formative years, that this was a “teen angst” thing, such feelings would burn off and be replaced with love and self-worth, all the slings and arrows suffered would fade and green grass and bright skies would prevail, blinding in their greatness, trampling underfoot the vicious brutality you held so dear as part of life. I see ad campaigns about it, touting the greatness that awaits the youth if they can only endure with a smile the rhetorical and literal beatings they are being subjected to for just a little longer. The truth is, there is no bright light, scars don’t heal, and everything is terrible.

And should you be reading these words from a “first world” country, your perceived horrors are a mere drop in the ocean of what most of humanity currently endures. We in the west are a society of morons – sycophantic monsters clamoring to be that much better than the person next to us – vicious inhuman freaks who without the constant fear of arrest would spend most of our time tearing out the guts out of anyone who looked at us sideways through their rectum, if it would garner a promotion. I do not understand the reverence we give to the rich, nor the self-flagellation we openly put upon ourselves in our quest to be them. They are so heavily outnumbered – why are we so afraid? “Better that we should die on our feet rather than live on our knees” was first spoken by the vicious communist Gracchus Babeuf, later either stolen or mis-attributed to the Mexican revolutionary Zapata, who in his own right mirrored Babeuf in his hatred of a corrupt government and passion to bring about change. Both were murdered. Strong reasoning to keep quiet and continue talking about whether Kim Kardashian’s ass has been cosmetically enhanced.

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: June 25, 2014, 3:42 pm | No Comments »

it’s important you know i don’t care what the end result here is, i’m just doing what i’m told to do – if you keep on with us or you move on means shit to me; but we need to know what you said, so…

let’s break it down – your style of tutelage for them wasn’t warranted. more importantly it wasn’t sanctioned. ah. implications are already abound.

and off you go running, like you’ll get away.

cute how we can make this fun through movement.

so cute.

hey, welcome back!

it’s fruitless to run around, isn’t it? let’s ensure that doesn’t happen again. save us both the trouble of such futile endeavors. honestly, i am winded from the whole thing.

now that you’re stationary, perhaps we can hash this out. let’s chat. i trust your new accommodations aren’t too tight. i tried to keep everything comfy.

seriously, knock it off.

no? ok.

you’ll tire of squirming and spitting once you figure out there aren’t any movie-type weaknesses in the restraints.

i want you to remember i gave you the opportunity to do this under your own volition.

we could have had an easy conversation.

you chose to make a run for it.

screaming just makes you look weak. come on, you’re better than that. i’ve purposely not gagged you. let’s just get to the bottom of this, so we can both get out of here.

we are both, after all, professionals.

let’s get down to it. what were you thinking? how did you see this working out for you?

doing that mouth twitch while you defend your actions really serves nothing but to give away your guilt.

yet you seem confident.

sorry, i had to level-set here. you didn’t seem to be taking me seriously.

that’ll heal, don’t be so morose. if that’s the worst thing you endure from here on out, be thankful.

no, i don’t have bandages for it. answer my questions so we can get out of here.

seriously, stop begging, it just annoys me.

we’re a long way out from help, so i get it. you know it’s just us. but there is no reason for concern.

you don’t have to keep mewling and begging for help from some apparition.

stop begging.

we are, after all, professionals here. no judgement.

no consequence? that is another conversation.

what was your part in it? what did you know?

stop begging.

no, i don’t believe that. stop acting like i don’t know what happened.

fine, let’s see if i can help you remember.

i admire your grit.

stop begging.

we’re past the point where that’ll heal.

i’ve already told you to stop spitting.

let me ask the question again.

your grit is starting to look idiotic now.

look, there are 3 more on that side, and this thing isn’t going to get any sharper.

let’s just figure this out together.

stop begging.

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: June 14, 2014, 11:08 pm | No Comments »

I

Can’t

no


no más

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: May 26, 2014, 8:56 pm | No Comments »

Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Killers are quiet
Thieves are rude
Stayed at the Hyatt
Found dead nude

Killers are quiet
Thieves are rude
Incite a riot
If you’re in the mood

Killers are quiet
Thieves are rude
Don’t even try it
You’ll end up food

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: April 13, 2014, 6:02 pm | No Comments »

The thing about being an adult and still finding myself afflicted with “teenage angst” is realizing I was right as a teenager and I just haven’t been beaten, dulled and culled enough to forget about what pissed me off about everything to begin with.  Well, it’s matured over time of course, I don’t have a curfew and can get whatever I want pierced, but underlying rage against machines I felt 15 years ago are still pretty valid today.

Why are teenagers so angry?  Because they are in a world where nothing makes sense, the rules aren’t fair and they aren’t taken seriously. And at a more base level, what are they lacking? Fear. They certainly have it in many superficial levels, but it is greatly lacking in that real, constant, gnawing fear that most adults have.

Let’s discuss:

How do you grow out of your “angsty” stage?  Spouse/house/career/kids come up, taxes and gas prices are issues. All of these items pertain to fear. But then you have network news constantly sensationalizing celebrity mishaps and reality shows about dipshit whores and handsome and completely loathsome assholes, which dominate your free time.  You are lulled into a sense of complacency, which leads to you dismissing actual issues and focusing on “issues” which pertain to your own life. Less fear.  You might read, but if you do it’s probably trashy/poorly written bullshit like twilight, 50 shades of grey, hunger games, &etc, an escape from your “stressful” life.  A stemming device to fear. Everything becomes a set of monotonous/mundane events which you settle into and embrace as your life.  You hear about terrible things happening to others and you talk about them and shake your head morosely about how sad they are with friends/associates/colleagues but none of you really look into any of it because it doesn’t really matter to any of you. Ignoring fear.

And the underlying reason for all this disillusionment, this vying for distraction that pervades the populace? Anything to escape the fear. And our handlers have gotten good at ensuring that is kept waaayyy back in our minds.

The reality is, the teenage mentality still applies, if you ever really stopped to think about it.

The world still doesn’t make sense, the rules still aren’t fair, and nothing you say about it is taken seriously. But now you are okay with that. You’ve secured a bubble against it, and your fear is minimal. It is more aligned with whether you’ll get in line to a movie in time, or if you’ll find a way to get out of a parking ticket you received. Everything pertains to you.

The problem with adults is no one wants to think about societal issues or do anything about them. Younger people fight against what they think is wrong all the time, as they don’t have the fear of losing their homes/careers/&etc because they don’t have them yet.

We live under oppressive, corrupt regimes who hide under the title of “democracy” and tirelessly spew out buzz words about how we have “liberties” and “freedoms” while they continue to undermine those very rights. We’re too interested in finding out what happens in the next episode of a television show to really stop and think about these things. We’re too afraid to speak up and chance losing face in our communities for going outside the status quo. We have too much fear to do what’s right because no one else has done it prior. People are very much of a herd mentality and you may be surprised to see others agree with you should you have the courage to take the first step.

End your fear by remembering the time when you lived without it. Embrace that and run with it.

I hope for a time where we can use our considerable wealth and influence to garner change, instead of this perpetual waste. I believe aspects of younger mentality are valid as they are the only people who more than likely haven’t been broken to the point of full complacency in our society. They don’t have the fear. Listen to them (objectively of course). An unfair curfew is akin to unfair wages, an unfair dating rule is akin to prejudice. Fear is the constant in our adult lives and we need to rise above it. I’m still against many of the things I was when I was 16, why aren’t you?

Posted by Krank, filed under Awesomeness. Date: March 21, 2014, 12:34 am | No Comments »

« Previous Entries Next Entries »