Hello and salutations!

Apologies for the lateness in my update but unfortunately I have had some troubles with using the internet as upon entering internet cafe’s I am denied services as I unsettle the other customers! I have been quite busy in the recent months and am excited to explain my side of the story to you!

Friends, let me set the stage for this wonderful event through descriptive words! It was a warm and gentle evening, the cool breeze flowing gracefully upon my noisome, frail corpse like shell of a body and although I had just awoken from a particularly savage beating at the hands of local teens, I was feeling like a million pesos. I am sure you are now asking yourself, Mr. Sanchez, how on earth could you feel so great after being beaten about the head and upper torso by a gang of 9th graders? Friends, the reason is this:

For the first time since the explosion of ‘82, I could hear!

I could hear the birds chirping, the cars passing in the distance, the blood dripping steadily onto the concrete below me and my soft whimpering mews as I struggled to breathe. Oh happy day! It seems one of the youths who administered my “tune-up” had lodged a stick into my ear canal, inadvertently puncturing the scar tissue and mucus that had built up and allowing sound to once more travel into my brain, where it eagerly lapped it up!

Since this happy event I have been able to find gainful employment once more, with the prestigious job title of Telesales Operations Specialist! I sell cat coffins to the public via phone calls and am lucky enough to speak with many interesting people! While most offer only loud vociferation to my opening line of “Is your cat dying or recently deceased and perhaps in your freezer?” others are quite happy to chat and do not even seem to mind that I must interrupt the conversation every few minutes to empty my puss bag which holds my various facial leakings! And for the first time in 27 years I can hear the wonderful names people shower me with whilst I hobble down the town streets! Apparently odious scuzz-man is a fashionable name for a fellow as I hear it often in between the screams!

Life is great!

Loyal friends,

What a wonderful day as the judge has acquitted me of the crimes against children today!  It was determined that as my eyes were so unfairly melted from my already unattractive face which was also melted and that I live in the woods behind my former work place surviving on mostly pine needles and rotting carcasses of various woodland animals I should not be blamed for weeping loudly in shopping mall parking lots and I wasn’t trying to kill anyone that day. 

I now hobble a free man,  free to pursue new opportunities, free to drain my various open wounds where I please.  In spite of these harsh economic times, I see a bright future as the demand for Raccoon meat soars!  I bathe in my own urine!  please help me die

Greetings internet amigos!

It has been some time I know, but as they say, he who is shot through the jaw and through the kidney takes some time to be able to sit upright again without vomiting blood!  Ha ha ha!  How funny is that, imagine that I was shot through the jaw and through the kidney whilst innocently bundling sticks in the park one afternoon for my new and improved tree leg?!  Apparently the police thought I was a wild animal poised to eat the children!  I’ve been told I make children cry due to my severely damaged face and everything else.  I feel blessed that my eyes were painfully and unstoppably burned out of my head so that I cannot see those tears roll down the childrens face.

MY BOY BEFORE HE WAS BURNED BY FELLOW VILLAGERS HOW CUTE!  HI GUNTHER

After recovering, I have gone back to the scene of the incident and gotten most of the branches and pieces of my jaw together and am quite happy to add them to my new and less infected leg.

My co-workers poison my food!

Life is great!

I awoke in the break room at my place of employment yesterday when I felt a tingling sensation in my right leg.  I quickly felt around and noticed that my usual leg made from branches that have been tied together with twine and uncomfortabley jabbed into my leg-stump was missing!  Dear internet, I was very worried about this, as it took many weeks of scavaging in my home…well the woods behind the rendering plant…to find the proper twigs and branches for what I call “the leg of infinite justice and severe infection”, and what the police called “the most deplorable and disgusting thing, other than your face, I have ever seen”.

Nevertheless friends, it was missing, and in it’s place was what seemed to be fleshy, and warm….gentle readers my leg had grown back!  I proudly stood, no longer Roberto Sanchez, the cholera infested, one legged, eyeless pile of puke, no sir, I was Roberto Sanchez, the cholera infested, two legged, eyeless pile of puke!  Oh happy day!  Not since I was able to escape from the back of the mini-van with 39 fellow immigrants in the mojave desert 8 years ago, have I been so happy!  Alas, my elation was short-lived, as upon putting weight on my newly grown leg, it snapped in half and brought me crashing to the floor, dislocating my shoulder and smashing the broken limb through my sinewy unwashed thigh.

this man has 3 heads

It seems my co-worker and now ex-lover Bill had removed my tree-leg whilst I was passed out from yet another long day of drinking varsol, and replaced it with the leg of a cow he had saved while the parts came in for rendering.

Though I have no eyes, I weep. 

By Roberto Sanchez

Hello and wlecome to my site friend!

I hope we get to be friends because unfortunately my face is disfigured which makes it hard for me to go out and interact with humans, as they tend to spit on me and call me “get away from me you disgusting shit pile.”

I don’t like that so much, but it’s better than when they hit me with sticks and pipes!

Surprisingly I am still able to find work, I am now the prestigious title of night watchman at the rendering plant in town.  Sometimes things will leak from my hidious face and once I slipped and fell in it and when I awoke, dogs had eaten most of my right leg!  I am nicknamed “hop-along-monster” by my co-worker and lover Bill.

Most days I wish I were dead!  Read more about my wonderful life in the about section!  Greetings!